


Heavy is the Heart that Pushes Down

by orphan_account



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Anxiety, Bad Parent Robert Lightwood, Flirting, Gen, Hogsmeade, Homophobia, Hufflepuff!Alec, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, POV Alternating, Panic Attacks, Patronus, Quidditch, Repression, Slytherin!Magnus, maryse isn't great at first but will get better as the story progresses, will add tags as needed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2019-02-05 11:40:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12793782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Alec Lightwood and Magnus Bane help each other to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts to their peers in Garroway's Army in preparation for the potential rise of Valentine - and find themselves discussing more than lesson plans along the way.





	Heavy is the Heart that Pushes Down

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> This is something I've been working on for a while now. I really like it, and I hope you can enjoy it as well! It's currently not beta'd, but I've done my best to edit it myself. :)
> 
> For the main characters, I've put them in the houses I believe they would be in at Hogwarts. We may have to agree to disagree on some of them, but that's alright!
> 
> Not all of the tags come into fruition in this first chapter, but if it's there, you can rest assured that it will. Also, please heed the tags about Anxiety and Panic Attacks, as those are relevant to this chapter.
> 
> I'll let you get to it now. I hope you enjoy!

 

Of all the things Izzy has tried to convince Alec to agree to in their time at Hogwarts, this definitely feels like the most regrettable— and she’d once gotten him to sneak off to Hogsmeade one late night with her, Clary, Jace, and Simon, which had earned them each a detention and fifty points from their respective houses. After that, the others in Hufflepuff refused to talk to Alec and Simon for a straight month.

 

Compared to what she’s asking of him now, though, their little excursion seems like a walk in the park. They're barely a week into the school year, and she's already asking him to do something quite possibly very stupid and incredibly illegal.

 

“Come _on_ , Alec,” she whispers, which makes Alec frown because it’s clear that she knows what she’s asking is dangerous. Speaking about it now, in the Great Hall, after having snuck over from her spot at the Ravenclaw table isn’t the smartest idea she’s ever had, but it’s not like they have any other opportunity to speak about it. Being in different houses for the last five years has certainly proven to make things like this difficult. “Alec. Listen to me. If Valentine is back, don’t you want to help stop him? This could be our chance!”

 

At this, Alec sighs. He pushes away his half-eaten plate, his once grumbling stomach suddenly nauseous at the idea of food. It’s not that he doesn’t want to help; he really, truly does. But they could get in _so_ much trouble if they’re found out. Not just by the school, but by the Ministry. And Alec just _knows_ that if he goes along with this, and embarrasses his parents (or costs them their jobs, at that), they very well may never speak to him again. It’s not that they want Valentine to rise again— it’s not even that they actually believe he’s gone. Alec knows they’re smarter than that. It’s just that the Ministry isn’t, and his family is nothing if not made of honor and appearances and loyalty to a broken system.

 

He’s been struggling to reconcile his trust in his parents with his disdain for the Ministry for years, now, and he’s still struggling, if he’s being totally honest. He doesn’t want to lose the pride he knows his mother has in him, no matter how rare it is that she shows it. He cannot give her any reason to doubt him. He _can’t._ He’s spent too much of his life carefully picking and choosing what he reveals about himself, carefully squashing down any part of who he is that his parents could consider shameful, even… well.

 

If they go through with this, it won’t matter that it was Izzy’s idea. Or suggestion. Whatever. The point is, it will be _his_ fault. He’s the oldest; he should know better. He knows that. It’s a lot of weight to bear, but how can he refuse? It’s his responsibility.

 

His plate vanishes and he turns to face Izzy again, a firm ‘no’ ready on his lips. But then he sees her. His little sister, kneeling down at his side, hands catching the edge of the table to keep her balance as she stares at him with her wide, infamous puppy dog eyes. In this moment, she looks small, and he’s reminded of her first year at Hogwarts, and his third, when she was scared she wouldn’t make any friends. Before she met Clary and Simon. And when Jace was still very new. Back then, all he’d wanted to do was protect her, like he was supposed to, and a big part of him feels that way now, too. But he can’t protect her from everything. He certainly can’t protect her from _this._ He doesn’t know how. And Izzy is looking at him with so much hope. Looking at him like he’s sure about anything, when he knows he’s not. She wants him to be brave. She’s _expecting_ her big brother to be brave.

 

Alec doesn’t know how to tell her that she’s always been the brave one, her and Jace, more than he could ever hope to be. Part of him wants to yell, wants to tell her to back off, that it's not fair to put that on him. But a much bigger, louder part wants to be able to be everything his sister wants from him.

 

He's terrified, not just for himself but for all of his family, but Izzy is right. If Valentine’s really back, like Alec both knows and fears somewhere deep in the pit of his stomach, then she’s right. They all need to step in. They all need to learn how to protect themselves. How to protect each other.

 

For what feels like the millionth time, he sighs and runs his hand over the back of the neck. “Who’s running this thing, anyway?”

 

Izzy grins, clearly knowing that she’s won him over. Alec tries, but he can’t bring himself to smile back.

 

 

 

 

Later, after lunch and after classes, he's in the library with Jace, Clary, and Simon and Alec feels his stomach rolling in regret already.

 

"I think I'm gonna be sick," he manages, to which Jace rolls his eyes. He looks incredibly out of place in the library; all tough muscle and rough clothes when he's not wearing his robes, not to mention a surly attitude. The truth is, though, Jace is bright and intelligent (if pretentious), and could easily quote any number of the books lined on the pristine shelves. Besides, it's one of the few common places that people from different houses can meet.

 

"Alec, relax. Don't overthink it," he advises as he tosses Alec's snitch back and forth in the air, in a sort of cocky, nonchalant way that makes Alec want to yell at him, but he doesn't. Instead, Alec snatches it from the midway point between Jace's careless hands.

 

"Quit it."

 

Clary and Simon laugh as Jace crosses his arms and huffs. Finally, when Clary catches her breath, she says,

 

"Look, Alec, you don't have to come if you don't want to, but I honestly think you'll regret it."

 

"Oh, and why's that?"

 

"Because you care about doing the right thing, you big softie," Simon chimes in from Alec's right, patting him on the back as he does, and it's all Alec can do not to get up and walk out. His friends can be so annoying sometimes.

 

"I'm not soft. Where's Izzy?" he asks, partly to change the subject and partly because he tends to get along better with their friends when his sister is there, too. She's sort of the glue that makes them all able to tolerate each other.

 

"She said something about tutoring. Sebastian Verlac, I think?" Simon says, sounding dejected.

 

Alec tenses, because he can understand why. He's never liked Sebastian; he's a sixth year, like Jace, and ever since Alec's known him, he's had a tendency to pick on those he deems "weak"— which, at one point, had included Simon, before the friends had rallied together and confronted him. According to Simon, Sebastian had been leaving him alone ever since, but that doesn't mean Alec trusts the guy. Simon might annoy him, occasionally, but he's also one of Alec's closest friends. Besides, Sebastian and Jace have this strange rivalry going on, and have since they both arrived at Hogwarts. No one really understands why, though; they couldn't have less in common if they tried.

 

"Why on earth would she be helping him?" Alec asks.

 

"You don't think they're..." Clary trails off, not wanting to suggest it, especially not in front of Simon. Alec is silently grateful for her rare show of tact; Simon's feelings for Izzy have been fairly obvious to everyone since last year, and for awhile there, it seemed like she'd been reciprocating. They're not dating yet, but they definitely have something going on. Unless Izzy has decided she's not interested.

 

But with Sebastian?

 

"No way," Alec says and Simon hums in agreement.

 

"Well, maybe she's recruiting him for the thing, tonight," Jace suggest, taking a bite of the apple he'd pulled out of his bag to replace the snitch that'd been taken from him.

 

That's... almost as awful a thought, but significantly more plausible. Izzy's desperate. They're all desperate. He can definitely see her recruiting anyone willing to listen.

 

"Tonight's going to be awful," Alec says, and Jace rolls his eyes again, but doesn't disagree.

 

 

 

 

Midnight's when they're supposed to meet up, so Alec and Simon head back to the Hufflepuff common room around eight to catch a few hours of sleep before they go. They don't share a room, seeing as Alec's in his last year and Simon's only in his fifth, so they have to stay in the main room. As they each settle on a couch, Alec can feel the tension wrapped around them. Simon would never admit it in front of the others, but Alec has a feeling that he's just as apprehensive about tonight as Alec himself is.

 

"It's going to be fine," Alec says, despite himself. "It'll be fine, Simon." 

 

Simon doesn't respond.

 

A couple of hours later, once Simon hastily shoves at the alarm they'd set until it turns off so as not to wake anyone who wasn't going to the meeting, they climb out of the Hufflepuff common room, still in their jeans and t-shirts, and sneak out as quietly as they can, tennis shoes padding on the stone floor beneath them. 

 

Alec is just about to ask Simon how, exactly, they're going to get into the Room of Requirement, as Izzy had called it, when he spots his siblings and Clary all walking through a door Alec's pretty sure he's never seen before. Alec and Simon run, and manage to slide through right before it shuts again. Alec's shoes trip over a mat on the floor, and he very nearly knocks into someone.

 

"Shit, sorry - hi," he adds, breathless. "I'm usually not this clumsy," he swears, before glancing up and mentally cringing.

 

The other boy is, simply put, gorgeous. His hair is a styled-upward, silky black streaked with emerald green, and he has some shimmery silver eye shadow on his eyelids. Alec recognizes him instantly; he's star of the Slytherin quidditch team, _and_ top of his class, _and_ Head Boy,  _and_ Alec's crush from afar for the last three years or so.

 

 _Not that that matters._ Alec inwardly curses at himself. He needs to get a grip. He can't be having thoughts about Magnus Bane, or anyone, for that matter, he can't, he can't, he -

 

"Don't worry about it," Magnus smiles at him, and  _fuck_ , Alec is blindsided yet again by how ethereal he is. "I'm Magnus," he sticks out his hand. Alec blinks before taking it. He's known who Magnus Bane is for quite a while, now, but he honestly didn't think a day would come where Magnus would know who _he_ is, too. And part of him had been grateful for that. It certainly made things easier.

 

"Yeah, I - yeah. I'm Alec," he adds, hoping he doesn't sound as foolish as he feels. 

 

"It's nice to meet you, Alec," Magnus says. His eyes have this certain playfulness to them that Alec has never seen the likes of before, and it's making butterflies swoop down low in his stomach. "How'd you hear about this?" he adds as they step away from the door to make way for newcomers.

 

Alec glances over to where Simon went off to, standing next to Izzy and talking animatedly with his hands to an amused Clary and Jace. "Well, uh, my friend and my brother," he indicated to Clary and Jace, for the initial concept had been their idea, "set it all up, but my sister, Izzy, she's the one who got me into it. She's, uh, very persistent," he laughs nervously. Magnus laughs, too, but it's smooth, and simple, and beautiful. 

 

"She certainly is. Isabelle is your sister?" he asks and Alec nods. It doesn't surprise Alec that Magnus knows Isabelle, or that he seems to be fond of her. Izzy knows  _everyone_ , and she makes a good impression.

 

This is nice. He isn't sure he what he was expecting of Magnus, honestly. He wasn't expecting cruelty, certainly, but he wasn't expecting talking to him to be so... easy. Carefree. Just as he's about to say something else, though, to try and think of something witty, he hears Clary calling everyone together from the center of the room. Magnus waves a quick, silent goodbye before stalking off to go stand by some of his own friends. Something clenches in Alec's chest, but he tries not to be disappointed. It's not like he stands a chance with  _Magnus Bane_ , and even if he did, he knows he can't have that, no matter how much he may want it.

 

"Welcome, everyone. Thank you all for meeting us here," Clary says, nervously fidgeting with her hands. Alec sees her glance down at Jace, who smiles at her, and when she continues, her voice sounds stronger and more even, and she's standing up straighter. "My friends and I have asked you here because we believe - no, we know for a fact," she adds, with a look in her eye daring anyone to challenge her, "that Valentine is back. We organized this meeting tonight because we all need to be prepared. Which means we need to learn Defense Against the Dark Arts.  _Real_ Defense Against the Dark Arts."

 

Alec nods in agreement as he hears the murmuring around him. They haven't had a good professor in years; the Ministry hires a new one every year, because each of them get tired of being forced to only teach out of the standard, Ministry-approved textbook and not be allowed to actually let their students perform magic in class. This year, the professor is a woman named Iris Rouse, and she gives Alec the creeps.

 

"Who would teach us? You?" asks Lydian Branwell, a seventh-year Ravenclaw that Alec has made vague, polite acquaintance with. They often pair up whenever the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff seventh years have a shared Potions class, because they both know they're better at brewing than the majority of their peers. Alec doesn't mean to brag, of course, but he can't help that it's true. Clary bites her lip, looking worried again, and Alec wishes he could ease her mind by telling her what he knows about Lydia; this isn't her "challenging" voice. This is the way Lydia shows her support; by figuring out the next logical step in the plan that they have.

 

"No, not me," Clary says quietly, and even though she can be a real pain in the ass, sometimes, Alec can't help but feel bad for her. He's known her long enough to know that, deep beneath that front of bravado she puts up, she holds a lot of insecurity when it comes to her skill level. She's not a bad witch, not at all, but Lydia's got a point. If they're going to do this right, they need someone with more experience.

 

"We were thinking," Izzy steps in for her best friend's sake, "that people could nominate themselves, or others, and then we'd take a vote."

 

There's more murmuring, but before the most part, it all sounds vaguely positive and assenting. Until:

 

"Why should we believe you?" That would be Raphael Santiago, a Hufflepuff that Alec and Simon share a rough approximation of a friendship with. Raphael doesn't really like, well,  _people_ , but he seems to tolerate the both of them well enough, and the feeling is mutual, at least from Alec's side. "About Valentine, I mean."

 

It looks like Izzy's about to answer again, but Clary gets there first, wearing an expression of both defensiveness and power. "You all know that, biologically speaking, Valentine is my father, yeah?" Alec cringes; it had been really hard on Clary, finding that out. There's a stillness to the room, but most everyone nods or else makes a soft noise of recognition. "You also probably happen to know that in my first year, while I was here, he kidnapped my mother. When we finally got her back, I thought he died. We all did. But this summer," she says slowly, taking in a deep breath as she does. "This summer he contacted us. Said he had gained enough power to rise again, that he couldn't wait for my mother and I to join him. But I'm not joining him. The Ministry may be filled with people who'd rather turn their backs to what's right in front of them, but I'm hoping that this school isn't."

 

In her voice, there's a challenge. It washes over the room for several minutes, until finally, Raphael responds.

 

"I'm in."

 

"Me too," Lydia says.

 

People echo their agreements until the room is bursting with energy again.

 

"Okay," Jace hollers, probably figuring it's time he steps in before things get too chaotic. He's good at grabbing people's attention. Always has been. "So, we need some nominees before we can vote."

 

The chattering continues, but this time it has more of a direction; friends encouraging each other, people working up the courage to go up to where Jace and Clary stand, that sort of thing.

 

Simon leans over to Alec. "You should totally go up there, man! You're incredible at this sort of thing." Alec's eyes widen at the suggestion, and he takes a step back from where Simon is pulling at his t-shirt. Alec knows he's good at magic, but he's definitely not good enough to teach a crowd full of people. The very thought makes him want to run. He's never been much for being the center of attention.

 

"No way," he answers, hoping that's the end of it. Simon gives him a look. "Simon, tutoring you is one thing - hey!" he shouts as he feels himself being lightly pushed towards the front and hears an indistinct, "you'll thank me later!" Clearly, Simon has gotten over his initial hesitation from the beginning of the night. 

 

He nearly crashes into someone up front and when he sees black leather shoes, he groans.

 

"We have to stop meeting like this," Magnus says, and Alec can't see his face, but he can practically hear him winking.

 

"Agreed," he chokes out before standing up straight, intent on leaving everyone's line of sight as quickly as possible, but Magnus holds up a hand.

 

"Stay?" he asks, sounding... unsure? Why on Earth would Magnus Bane sound unsure? Hell, why the hell would Magnus Bane ask _Alec_ to do this, of all people? Alec is just about to ask when Magnus speaks again. "I think you'd be a good leader."

 

Something in that makes Alec pause. He looks at Magnus' face, takes him in, and there lies something there far more genuine than when they were talking before. The charisma is gone, but it seems to be replaced with some kind of... fondness?

 

Belief. He believes in Alec. He's been working so hard to earn faith in his abilities for years; from his parents, from his siblings, from everyone. And here Magnus is, giving it away to him for free. It feels... nice. It makes Alec want to try, despite the fear constricting his chest. So, without saying another word, he takes his place to Magnus' right, and clasps his hands behind his back. Izzy grins at him from her spot next to Simon, who waves unapologetically. God, he needs new friends.

 

After a couple of minutes, the noise dies down on it's own, until there are four people standing before the crowd.

 

Jace steps down and Clary addresses the students again. "Alright, you have your options." She lists off their names. "Alec Lightwood," she says, careful not to smile too much when she says his name - Clary may be reckless and impulsive, but she's smart, and she knows what it'll look like if she shows too much favouritism - "Magnus Bane, Catarina Loss, and Lydia Branwell." Alec thinks he must visibly shiver; these are some of the most talented students  _at_ Hogwarts. He shouldn't be up here with them. The pure determination he felt mere moments ago is fading quickly."When I say a name, raise your wand once if you'd like to vote for the person being referred to."

 

Alec gets a lot more votes than he'd expected to, because while Magnus may believe in him, he thought the other boy's confidence in him was an outlier. A fluke. He's not the kind of person people take notice of, not really. Unless he's playing quidditch, or next to Jace or Izzy or even Clary, he's easily missed.

 

He thought he was easily missed.

 

Catarina Loss gets a decent amount of votes, too, because everyone knows she's amazing at healing magic. Lydia gets admittedly less, but Alec very much doubts that that's because they doubt her skill; Lydia just comes off sort of strong and, well, arrogant.

 

And then there's Magnus, who burns so bright and loud and free. Everyone knows Magnus, the way everyone knows Izzy. What's more, everyone  _likes_ Magnus. He's the guy to go to in a crisis, he's the guy who'll lend a hand, and he's the guy who looks effortlessly beautiful while doing so.

 

So it really, really, really doesn't make sense that they end up getting the same amount of votes. But even still, Alec figures it'll get resolved in the breaking vote.

 

It doesn't.

 

"Well, it looks like we get  _two_ wonderful teachers," Clary announces, and the crowd cheers. "Alright, get some sleep, guys. We'll get in touch with you when we have more details."

 

"Wait," someone calls out. It takes Alec a moment to catch a glimpse of who it is - Maia Roberts, a Gryffindor girl, and one of the few people who likes Simon and not Clary. Normally, they're a package deal."We need a name for the group!"

 

Everyone murmurs their agreement, and Clary looks a little lost again. "Okay. Well, did anyone have any ideas?"

 

Almost immediately, Maia responds with, "What about Garroway's Army?"

 

That has people cheering. Everyone loves Headmaster Garroway, Clary's step-father and one professor that the Ministry positively _hates_ but can't get rid of, as he's adored not just by students, but by parents and the general public as well. There would be major outcry should anyone ever try to get rid of him. Alec thinks the name is kind of perfect.

 

"All in favor?" Clary asks, and Alec is pretty sure it's the first time he's seen her grin wide at anything Maia has said. Maia smiles right back, and there's not even a point in counting; it looks like every single wand in the room is raised up. "Garroway's Army it is. Meeting adjourned."

 

Most everyone floods out of the room at once, shoving and joking and laughing but getting quieter as they approach the door, remembering that it must be nearly one in the morning, until it's only Alec, Izzy, Simon, Clary, Jace, and Magnus who are left.

 

Izzy claps her hands together in excitement. "Congratulations, you two!" she says, addressing Magnus and Alec together. They glance at each other, and Magnus smiles at him, that genuine expression from earlier not completely gone.

 

After a few moments of planning, the others filter out, too, until it's only Alec and Magnus left.

 

"I guess we're going to be spending a lot of time together," Magnus says, and Alec tries not to read too much into the tone of Magnus' voice. He needs to  _stop_. They have a professional relationship, now, which is all the more reason to  _act professional_ and not  _die a little inside_ everytime Magnus talks to him.

 

Alec is so fucking screwed.

 

"I guess so."

 

"Tomorrow during lunch, do you maybe want to go to the library? So we can plan our first lesson?"

 

"Sounds good."

 

Alec thinks about sticking out a hand, again, and trying for another handshake, but he thinks it'd probably be awkward. Magnus salutes him goodbye and leaves, so that Alec is standing all alone in a room that's empty except for the blue mat on the floor.

 

Back pressed to the wall, Alec sinks to his knees and takes a deep breath. Then another. Then another. In and out, so that he doesn't freak out. He thought he knew what he was getting himself into when he agreed to go to this meeting, but now his hands are shaking and he feels cold and he's  _struggling to breathe._ Which isn't normal.

 

Not normal. He's never been normal, he knows that, but he thought he was good at hiding it. He thought he was good at hiding. But if people notice that he's good at magic, if people notice him at  _all_ , that means they notice  _other things_ , that they notice that he's never had a girlfriend and that he sometimes looks at boys in his year a little too long and that he breaks the rules more than he would care to admit. And if  _people_ notice that means his parents could notice and, oh, fuck, oh god, he's -

 

He's screwed. He's put himself in a situation where there's no way to win. He thought the attention that Magnus gave him tonight was what he'd been wanting, but maybe he's been wrong about what he really wants his whole life. He doesn't know. Right now, he wants sleep.

 

Eventually, his breathing evens out and he goes, leaving the empty room forgotten behind him. Tomorrow. He can worry about all of this tomorrow.

 

As he walks back to the Hufflepuff common room, he tries to pretend that the aching in his chest and his stomach is because he's nervous he'll get caught walking back, and not because he's absolutely terrified. Of himself, or of Magnus', or of what his parents will do when they realize he's -

 

Tomorrow. Tomorrow, he'll have to face his mother in his Transfiguration lesson. Tomorrow, he'll see Magnus again. He can deal with all of that tomorrow, but for now, he needs to rest.

 

As he climbs into bed, though, he can't put the thoughts out of mind, and as he's trying to lull himself to sleep, he can't help but wonder when he became so terrified of just being himself. Of being happy. He wishes he could understand himself, but he can't.

 

So instead, he dreams.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed it! I currently don't have a schedule planned for this fic, but I'll update when I can! Ignore my other abandoned projects and trust what I'm telling you instead! <333 Also, shout at me about Shadowhunters @archersarchetypes on tumblr. I love making friends!
> 
> Have an awesome day/night, you wonderful readers you.
> 
> Update:
> 
> Hey, friends. So, I said before to some lovely commenters that I fully plan to continue this story. (I said to one that I was going to try and finish the next chapter within the week, but we all know how that went.) I do plan to keep to that - however, I don't know when, exactly, it's going to happen. I posted this first chapter quite a while ago, and for that I'm truly sorry, but it may be quite a while longer still. I've got other responsibilities, and another fic to work on for the Shadowhunter big bang, and I'm afraid this fic can't be my priority right now. But I do plan to continue it; it just may not be for quite a while. Thank you all for your patience, and I hope you're having the wonderful days you deserve. <3


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